After a significant period of self-reflection, I am able to narrow down my ‘coming of age’ to one of my jobs in a tiny little office where I was trapped at length with a girl who might have stolen a large portion of my soul…with her passive-aggressive micro-managing ways, (with ‘age’ being the time where I realized that I just don’t give a shit).
Now, I’m no slouch by any means. And while I might appear to be a “hard worker,” I really just want to get whatever I need to do…Done. So, if I have something I must do: I find the fastest way to do it. This way, I can get back to doing what it is that I want to do. And what I want to do, is dick around, email my friends; read shit about the world, art, politics, Angelina’s tit size–pretty much anything short of looking at the People of Wal-Mart or working. It’s my way of tricking myself into thinking that there might be something else out there; that is bigger and better than making spreadsheets all fucking day.
More importantly, what I don’t want to do is to be bothered with your arbitrary computations, or conversations.
In fact, the very sound of this girl’s calculator…used to piss me off.
Internal Monologue:
What exactly are you checking over there Ms. Calculator? Would that be Excel?
As in: MICROSOFT EXCEL?!?
Hey! Captain Fucking Stupid: You sit there switching screens because you don’t understand that you can re-size them and keep them up at the same time; and you purposefully refuse to sort ANYTHING by symbol; you definitely do not use technology to your advantage, thereby creating more work for yourself, and YOU want to come at ME for wasting time?
I might look at the Drudge Report, or the Wall Street Journal, the Houston Chronicle, Esquire, the Sartorialist, the weather, the local news, Engrish, “Overheard in Manhattan”, textsfromlastnight; passiveaggressivenotes.com–and all of my friend’s horoscopes…but seriously: What is worse?
Me: doing my job, better and faster than you, whilst keeping abreast of current events & relatively prevalent news…and actively engaging in 3-7 IM conversations?
or,
You: passing off idiocy as efficiency and remedial as fucking THOROUGH?
I have seriously never seen anyone waste as much time as she does by switching from screen to screen…to screen to screen…then calculator to calculator…to check NOTHING! How bout: Get with the times; accept that an Intel® Core processor out-ranks your 10-key redundancy of checking your own ‘user-error-susceptible computation of the gross vs. ‘whateverthefuckyoumighthavetypedthefirstplace’ and SHUT THE FUCK UP?
Do you really think that your loud-ASS, 10-key calculator is more reliable that EXCEL? I mean, let’s be honest:
Excel is awesome AND smarter than you.
p.s. The multiplicative inverse = x(1 ÷ -1). You know how I know that?
8th grade, DIP SHIT. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=multiplicative+inverse
What’s more, is that I am too lazy to re-type the sell orders that come over with minus signs, so I Googled it.
xoxo – kris “ray of sunshine” ngo…
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i mean it from the bottom of my finance-hating heart when i tell you i have not laughed this hard in a long time. which means i identify with everything you say. which is actually kind of sad.
but yeah, everything from excel macros to photoshop teeth whitening to pretending i know how to code java script, i taught myself by just jumping in and trying shit because i knew that there had to be an easier/prettier/better way to do something. it’s hard to have respect/patience for people who don’t have that same desire to learn.
and hookey. soon.
haha…yeah…if “winning” is having your entire office hate you. then yes, i suppose so.
Efficiency and riding the wave is epitomized by some “lower-income” minorities who work a part time $10/hr. job who do just enough to keep them under the income level where they can still receive their Supplemental Security Income (or SSI) disability benefits check (usually for something they managed to get documented but is exaggerated and doesn’t truly hinder them)while still selling drugs on the side.
$800 or so from work after taxes + $700 SSI check + $1,000 non taxable drug sales income=$2,500 month for our nation’s desperate and poor
There’s a few million people who do exactly that and have more discretionary income that what you would guess.
Kris, this post is full of…WIN.
It’s ridiculous.
The minute I tried to stand up to take uhh…a test..?. They cut me off at the knees…
I record a macro which is something they’ve never been bothered to learn over the span of 13+ years..
Lieutenant Stupid tries to pencil whip it so she could say she contributed.
ALL because I’m lazy and unimpressed with the entire operation.
I was just talking to deEzy about this:
Other famous moves: slamming the optical mouse from 5′ away; asking you if you “turned it off and turn it back on” like that’s not the first thing people do? if i’m asking you a question – it’s because i’ve exhausted ALL OTHER RESOURCES.
deEzy can tell you stories of our own Captain Fucking Stupid. Ours needs to go to a basic computer class to learn that you don’t have to literally move the mouse 5 feet away from your computer to move it around your screen and that IE 7 has tabs so you don’t have to open 17 different windows. Ours complains about how busy they are but it’s because they don’t understand how to do their job so they spend hours figuring out something that took the rest of us 10 min… Sigh.. They are everywhere.
lol- it’s comments like these…that you might want to use a “code name”. I don’t mind working. I’m just not going to make it any harder than it has to be.
Work as of now; is a means to an end…and my “end” is at home boozing and pursuing my passion of offending and shocking every single person that i am lucky enough to encounter to & fro…
ps sign up for this:
http://en.gravatar.com/site/signup
I only do enough at work so I don’t get fired. But most of the time I spend it on my iPhone looking shit up just to pass the time