Ngo When to Dabble & When to Pass…on Grass.

I was looking through my journal tonight, and trying to think about what I could possibly write about that would restore my reputation in the ‘hood after my Telephone:  An Essay of Sorts.  I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t great—but it was nice to see that I can still whip up a fresh batch of bullshit…should I ever find myself enrolled in another college English class (or more realistically:  be forced to sell sub-par college essays on Craigslist for beer money).

I get it.  I’m a one-trick pony and my “trick” is to rant.  But, if truth be told, I kind of threw it up there because I needed to have a sort of “dummy” post to act as buffer/benign distraction…should Ms. Calculator or Co., stumble upon my site.  Eek.

Now for a different “smoke screen,” of sorts.  I feel it’s time set the record straight regarding my position on the recreational use of marijuana.

First, I found a table Pros/Cons that I agree with.  You might too.  Clicka, Clicka…

Also, the link below is to a vintage TIME Magazine article regarding this as well…with “real data”and more than “personal anecdotes” to back up their “theories and assertions”.  Pffft…

http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1889021,00.html

NewsFLASH:  I am not a pothead.

Q & A

(In the following text, I pretend that I’m being interviewed in an effort to disguise my elementary-level transitional devices, but I inadvertently end up showcasing them…in an elementary-type of  “I still play pretend” type of way):

Do you think that America should legalize weed?

Yes, but I also think we should tax the shit out of it.  America is missing a huge opportunity to generate tax revenue (especially from the demographic that most likely doesn’t pay income taxes in the first place).  BHO could create another government agency (or 12), to watch our every move–which in turn, would create additional jobs, help the environment, save the rainforest; the dolphins; the whales; the ta-ta’s; the pacific northwest tree octopi; and most importantly, the children…Well, maybe not all children, might lose a few stupid ones to their mother’s basement but all would be right with the world… you get it.

Have you smoked weed?

Really?  You giving me all the easy ones first?  Yes.  I’ve smoked…you’ve smoked, we’ve all smoked.  First time was in high school & I dabbled sporadically, up until my sophomore year in college.  I would hardly even call it a phase.

What is the oddest thing you’ve ever smoked out of?

An apple.  It’s probably one of my first mini-MacGyver moves too.  It involved substituting gum wrappers for foil.  No, I’m not going to give instructions on how to turn an apple into a pipe.  If you can’t figure it out, then I can assure you that WEED is the last hobby you should take up.

Any particularly funny stories during this “hardly a phase”, phase?

Yup.  Scene:   3-4 girls, stoned, watching t.v. and b.s.-ing.  Little Stoner-Ngo got hungry, so she went to make a ‘gourmet baked potato’–in the microwave, but was thrown a curve ball when she opened the fridge.

Internal Monologue:

OOOH…WTF is this?! I’m almost out of butter?  Ugh- I guess I could use this margarine that Jenny has.. I wonder if it’s better than my butter…who fucking buys margarine?  Wtf wtf?? I don’t want to put hers on first then ruin my potato if it sucks…but if I put the butter on first, I won’t know if hers is good by itself… Ooh I’m going to do a taste test.  If this was a physics lab that stupid girl would insist on doing all 5 tries of this experiment, to calculate the percent error;  when we really can just do 3 for due diligence, it’s not like we’re building a fucking space ship.  Aaggh!  IMPOSTER!! grooosss—omfg I could’ve totally just ruined my whole fucking potato with that fake f*cking butter … Imsogladiamagoddamngenius.

I then, triumphantly walk into living room to join group and ask, “Was I just on the phone?”  Hilarity ensued…

Also, I smoked out with a group of black dudes at a Jay-Z concert…frankly because I felt that if I DIDN’T—I then would be “against them”.   Peer pressure or survival instinct, either way, still a funny story.

What might be more effective in the fight to keep kids off drugs?

Fuck a bunch of D.A.R.E. and their stupid shirts.  It is my personal recommendation that the following movies be shown at school (edited versions of course):

• Drug Mule(1996)
• Requiem for a Dream (2000)
• Gia (1998) (if it’s an all girls school…)
• Spun (2002)

Done and Done.

Oh!  And kids should see what really goes on when someone “huffs” it is by far the most disturbing thing ever.  Total party killer/awkward-silence-buzz-kill when someone breaks out a can of air duster and sucks on it at a frat party.  Just sayin…

Also – maybe do an MTV show like Wife Swap – but call it:  Don’t Tell Mom, the Baby Sitter’s a Crackhead.  Except they really won’t be able to “tell mom,” because Mom & Dad will be on vacation until their a-hole kids start acting right.

*Notice I did not list any stoner movies.  Stoner movies (e.g., grandma’s boy, Harold & Kumar, yada yada) are hilarious…but definitely not for an “anti-drug” campaign.

Are you stoned right now?

Are you fucking kidding me?  No.  I have A JOB.  I would not candidly admit to any type of drug use…past or present, in a public forum, if I was actually worried about NOT passing a drug test.  It’s nice to be on the right side of the law…And I drink a LOT of water.

What do you think of people who say “I have never, nor will never” or the type of people that get all “Stephen Baldwin” after being an addict?

I don’t like extremes – it’s no different than the addiction/belief you are trying to deprive/deny yourself from.  And it’s less fun.

I can’t say that I wouldn’t smoke pot again.  Although, I would say that I’d find it hard to trust that many people who are over, say,  23?…who claim they haven’t or wouldn’t try it.

It’s kind of like that “how smart is your dog” test that involves throwing a blanket over a dog’s head and whichever dog takes the least amount of time to get its head out is deemed “smarter” than the other…you know, but with people.

People who say they have not or would never smoke weed at some point in their life are either:

A.  Lying.  Or,

B.  Living their entire life under that fucking blanket…like a big dumb dog.

My question to these A & B types of people *cue podium and spotlight*:

Are you, no bullshit, actually telling me, that you are so virtuous that the very core of your moral being actually prevents you from partaking in such abominations, and in turn, prevents you from LIVING your freaking LIFE?!!

If so:

It is hereby mandated that you, and people like you are to report to the Human Genome Project immediately.  The scientists there will finally be able to find out if there is, in fact, an identifiable and map-able sequence of chromosomes that replaces the “D” in “DNA” with the genetic code for “Douche bag”.

If no:

*podium and spotlight exit stage right* Haaaa!  Man, you had me goin there for a sec–why you bullshittin?  You seriously almost just got shipped off to the Human Genome Project and you didn’t even know it…duuuude…

As Jay-Z says, “Life is for living, not living uptight”. You only get one shot at life.  I see things of this nature, as a test of character.  If you can experience it and then make a conscious choice to not let it take over your functioning adult life; you pass the blanket test.

If you can own up to being an actual human being; who is willing to admit that they’ve been wrong once or twice and live to tell about it…You pass at life.

If not, please see mandate above.

Unrelated, but not entirely:  finicky eaters get on my nerves…it’s the same principle really.

And this concludes my Kate Gosselin-style interview of myself.  Thanks for my time.

xoxo – Myself