E-Huh?

In one of my classic, drunken searches for the end of the internet, which started by soaking up every geeky bit of information there is to be found on Lifehacker, and—as always, ended up with me trolling NYC Craigslist for writing, computer and other miscellaneous gigs…I remember sending this little gem on Best of and then…

I blacked out.

FYI:  Drunk-Me, is amazing:  (a) I didn’t pay for the subscription, which, like any junkie knows, is the #1 justification for whatever vice you might have and reason enough to carry on and (b) I cast my net WIDE– Texas and New York.  Which makes sense, considering that the only time I leave the Loop is on my way to the airport…Yaaay!

The next day, I woke up to at least 10 match emails from E-Harmony, congratulating me for being compatible with, surprise!  HALF of Houston…and there were even some dudes in New York, which was news to me, to say the least, because compatibility has not exactly been my strong suit.

Now, it’s not as though I can’t get a date, nor does it imply that I’m not a good girlfriend–it’s just that admittedly, I am horrible at dating,

Not only is there the inherent risk of me drinking myself out of the conversation—but I have also found that the whole “not-so-thinly-veiled interrogation coupled with the high-falootin, shameless self-promotion” type of date usually goes downhill fast.  The whole dating process gives me anxiety.  And by ‘anxiety’ I mean a complete inability to control the urge to entertain myself at the expense of myself.  And by ‘myself’ I mean others.

Again, I am actually a good girlfriend; I could even provide references upon request (oooh! Is it weird if I note that in my profile?  Advise.)

So, E-Harmony, it is.

Here are the pictures and captions I have on my profile as of today.

This is embarrassing…right?

Short answer:  yes.

Attempt to convince myself and others that I’m not a socially inept recluse who is going to die alone except for the cats that mysteriously showed up on my stoop last week, answer:  It makes sense, and it saves time.  You get to cut the bullshit, ask your questions first—well, pick from a list of questions, which I can’t say is a bad thing–all from the comfort of the chair you’ve already been sitting in all freaking day.  Win.

So, I’m over it.  Even though at first, I was a tempted to unsubscribe and bury it forever.   I was going to go about my life not-so-secretly judging the ‘types’ of people who have to resort to online dating—and if my dirty-slut of a yahoo account ever betrayed me by letting an errant “Re-Join Today” or some shit-message through, I would just blame it on the fact that my yahoo account is a dirty-slut-shopping-spam-email receptacle…like I always do.

But, being the brave soul that I am today, I’ll say it loud and proud:  I ponied up the money for a subscription and I am committed to gaining the most that I can out of this experience, in an anonymous and non-destructive kind of way.  Considering how much heat I got from my friends for the Halloween post, I don’t need Half of Houston hating me too.  Jeeesh.

What I’ve learned so far:

Ladies:

The marketing team at E-Harmony is missing a huge opportunity in not promoting the instant gratification there is to be had, just by simply getting to answer over 250 questions about yourself– to find out more even more about yourself.

Dudes:

Well, if I were you, I would memorize the aforementioned list of 250 questions like it was the Pledge of freaking Allegiance.  Then, when the opportunity presents itself, very casually recite a few as the natural course of conversation progresses–and ‘allegiance’, the ladies will pledge…You’re welcome.

Oh, and stop sending “winks,” it’s creepy.  Maybe put  down your penis and try writing a whole sentence.

No juicy details yet; I intended to write an entry every day, but unfortunately, the reality of my life set in and I hardly can find enough time to properly stalk these dudes, let alone figure out a way to fill you guys in about them, so please excuse any time lag in news—although I can assure you, I already have plenty to squawk about.

Next up:  Recap:  Days  1-7

Stay tuned…

Xoxo-k