E-Yaaay! I'm still alive...

Well, my whole eharmony experiment has turned to shit.  Go figure.

I can’t keep track of what I was saying mid-sentence when I talk sometimes; how did I ever expect to pull off juggling a bunch of dudes?  At first, I started off taking screenshots of anything I found to be hilarious and trying to keep track of it all in a spreadsheet, but apparently, even I have my limits of creep-dom…

So, there goes that idea.  I don’t have enough time; let alone the will, to suffer through multiple first dates in any given month, let alone 3 consecutive ones.  I don’t actually hate myself; I just joke about it.

As I’ve mentioned before, ‘normal’ dates are terrifying to me; factor in the whole meeting a stranger off the internet, and I am a basket case.  Trust me, I’ve seen me do it.

I also didn’t consider that there is  a LOT more work involved when you meet someone off the internet, which goes against everything in my nature; so eff that.  I’d say it’s on the same level of scary as meeting someone to buy a chair off Craigslist:  You have to google them, forward whatever information is out there to your mom and boss just in case you don’t show up for work…and at least one friend, who will back up their story (the circle of life I like to call them)—So it’s fine for like a chair, or a desk or two, but if I actually became proficient at dating a lot of people off the internet, I’m pretty sure the novelty would wear off and my lifelines might get tired of this responsibility as well.  It’s all fun and games until the whole: ‘if you don’t hear from me, investigate’ joke gets real…

Ok, stop.  You think I’m creepy?  How about:  Get over yourselves.  I google a place before I’ll take my dry cleaning there–You can fucking bet that if I’m meeting a stranger off the internet, that he will be subjected to at least the same level of scrutiny as the people who clean my sweaters…probably not much more, because it’s really hard for me to pretend that I don’t know something…but I think there is something to be said for due diligence when it comes to self-preservation.

In fact, if I happened to be a dude in the same situation– I would make it a point to ask the girl whether or not she googled me as a screening method.  If she says no, then she’s either (a) an idiot, or (b) a liar.  Probably both…(because she’s a girl)

But–if she says yes, then not only does she value her life; she isn’t afraid to say so.  Win.

So, extra work aside (although reason enough):

Why is there no option to put your profile on hold?

Shouldn’t there be an option to encourage people to pursue one relationship at a time, while not racking up HUNDREDS of people who are going to resent them for not answering them in a timely manner?  It makes me anxious just thinking about how to answer that one…uh, no thanks.

I actually feel a little guilty knowing that I’ve blown off a lot of seemingly decent dudes.  I’m tempted to send them a message to say:

hey, I just wanted to take a second to tell you that you seem like a nice guy and I would’ve probably gone out with you, had the first guy been a creep– or if I wasn’t so lazy and socially inept.  Anyway, best of luck to you.

p.s. If any one of those things changes (2 of them won’t), in less than 3 months, you’ll be one of the first to know.  Also, if that’s the case, please try to un-remember this message.

-k

Oh, and here is something the e-harmony people failed to anticipate:  the resent is turning to aggression.  Some of dudes who I haven’t answered have now resorted to sending me nudges, what the fuck is that?  How is that even an option?  How did anyone at eharmony think PUSHING someone would be a good way to get them to talk to you?

Can you imagine if I ended up with one of those guys, what our 5 year anniversary toast would sound like?

Him:  ”happy anniversary, honey. I still can’t believe I literally had to virtually push you to get you to come out with me. Just think–if it weren’t for that nudge, you would’ve passed me by. ”

Me:  your shirt had DRAGONS ON IT! What the fuck!

xoxo,

-k