I canceled my cable; I haven’t bought anything from Dell in months—the last pair of shoes that I bought was a pair of flip flops, which hardly even qualify as shoes, not to mention they were replacement flip flops so I especially don’t think those count–I even went back to drinking Miller Lite–which is simply tragic in itself because frankly, it’s shitty beer.
I can almost see pity in Phil’s eyes when he sees me in the office, the kitchen, the laundry room, the backyard and everywhere else I go with my Miller Lite—because Phil hates Miller Lite–which actually works out great for the both of us because he doesn’t dip into my daily stash and I don’t dip into the good stuff unless he is partaking as well…but really, I just try to save one or two for him…at the very least…
Oddly enough, I’ve found that I actually prefer Miller Lite as my #1 daily drinker, because I can drink it all day and still get shit done, i.e. show up where I am supposed to be, remember how to form sentences, return phone calls, yada, yada and most importantly: sans midday naps—although, at the end of the day, I know: it’s still shitty beer.
A shopping cart full of White Rascal, Duvel, Hoegarden, Leffe & Boston Summer Lager = a shopping cart worthy of accolades, congratulations, standing ovations and applause…
A shopping cart full of Miller Lite = a shopping cart of all the shit that you should have done better.
Anyway, I am determined to regain my beer-maven celebrity status at Whole Foods, and I’m shit with budgeting, so I recently signed up on Mint.com—which helps you to track your spending, etc.—and they send you alerts when you get charged for monthly fees or any other bullshit that you shouldn’t have to pay and/or they update you to let you know how close you are to whatever goals/budgets that you set up.
And they use pie charts.
SO – Mint.com sends me an email saying that I got charged $12 for my Bank of America account, which I decided was the last straw. I’ve had that stupid account since I was 18—it had seen more than its fair share of highs and lows – and I wanted it closed. But, I soon found there’s absolutely no information on how to close your account on the customer service page so I had to do a live chat with some asshole named Rhyan:
Rhyan: Hello! Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer! My name is Rhyan: . How may I assist you with your savings and checking accounts today?
You: hi – i was unaware of how many fees i’ve been being charged for my accounts so i just transferred the balance of my savings (what’s left of it) to my checking account –
You: and i opened a new account with another banking institution
You: so, i’m just wanting to make sure that i won’t be slapped with any additional fees for taking the whole $18. out of my savings account
Rhyan: I understand your concern regarding fees on your account.
Rhyan: To begin with, may I have your full name and the last four digits of the account number as it appears on the Bank Statement?
You: it’s Kristine Marie Ngo
Rhyan: Thank youfor that information Kristine.
Rhyan: Can you please confirm what are the fees assessed on your account.
You: i’ve been getting charged $12 a month on my checking account
Rhyan: Thank you for confirming.
Rhyan: Please allow me few moments while I access your account details.
You: can you also look up that joint account that i had opened?
You: i stupidly volunteered to organize my high school reunion – and didn’t close out that account
Rhyan: One moment please.
You: and then i accidentally used the wrong debit card and fees ensued..
Rhyan: I see you are assessed of the $12.00 monthly maintenance fee 8/12 , the reason why you are assessed of the fee is you are unable to met the daily balance requirement on the account.
Rhyan: To avoid the $12 fee, please maintain $1,500 or more average daily balance requirement or ,
Rhyan: At least one qualifying Direct Deposit of $250 or more made to your account (single direct deposit not an aggregated amount).
Rhyan: This new changes were effective 6/27/11, prior the fees would be assessed on customers account, notice were sent to the customer.
Rhyan: Also you can view the notice online if you are opted for electronic statements, please click accounts tab, then click accounts details, click My Statements link.
Rhyan: Please select changes on your account account link, to view the notice.
You: what!? ugh. well, either way it’s my fault.
You: i just want to make sure that all of my accounts are closed.
You: i have a pending transfer of 79.95 that should go out by thursday
You: and i don’t want my savings account – or my checking account to be charged again.
Rhyan: Closing an account is not a solution for this,
You: um. too late.
Rhyan: What I can suggest to you is to convert the account to another type of account that will fit your banking needs.
You: when i set it up it was called, “my access free checking” so…it’s
my fault that i didn’t read the letter saying that ‘my access free checking’
was now ‘my access free checking IF you keep a minimum of $1,500 Did you
get a chance to look at what went
You: went on with the joint account that i had?
Rhyan: Can you please share to me how you do your bank transactions?
Rhyan: Do you make transaction always online?
You: i do my banking transactions poorly.
You: i want my accounts closed.
You: i use chase bank for my savings and checking.
You: they give me airline miles.
You: it’s amazing.
Rhyan: I understand that, however there are changes made for this type of account, also before the changes were implemented notice were sent to you prior the fees to be implemented on your account.
You: Anyway – can you please confirm to me that neither of my accounts will assessed any additional fees for
You: yes. i understand that
You: can you please re-read the above?
Rhyan: Let me check that for you.
Rhyan: I see you have a Regular savings account.
Rhyan: And the balance of the account is zero, if you will not able to maintain the daily balance for this account fees may be assessed.
You: i don’t want to maintain any balance.
You: i want it closed.
Rhyan: So you are saying you want to request to close the savings account?
You: yes. i want to close both accounts.
Rhyan: If you want to close an account, I would request you to please make the balance to zero, once the balance is zero you can request through this chat channel.
You: i don’t know how i possibly could have done exactly what you just said any more…
Rhyan: I see the savings account has zero
balance, please confirm this is correct.
You: Yes. the balance is zero.
You: Please close my savings account.
Rhyan: Oh I see. I hope I was able to assist you as per your expectation. If you have any other query, I will be glad to assist you. Thank you for choosing Bank of America’s Online Chat Service! We appreciate your business and have a wonderful day !