Easter weekend is with us in London. I feel like writing this post like a GQ magazine reporter so in a truly pompous and arrogant way I will look down on my workstation and say:

Pat has been walking around the house all morning trying to find something to do. He’s not normally this restless, most of the time joyful but today wearing his blue jeans and Nike skin dri-fit he really has got the complete arsehole.

I am now going to break away from GQ because it drives me mad.

Bank Holiday Monday or what is also known as ‘family fun day’ where the husband is so bored he does the DIY. The Wife does the cleaning and the kids have nothing to do so they become increasingly irritable until all collide over the dinner table and one hell of a fight breaks out. Renewable energy to light up any fucking town.

My Role in this screen play is mother, father and child. I have now done all the outstanding DIY around my house indeed cleaned the house and was forced to douse the flames of anger by opening the last bottle of Corona that had made a nest in the door of my fridge..

HMMM ITS NICE

It’s no wonder we all became alcoholics with days like these. I am told to “get some interests” but I have loads of interests. I am told to “go and see my friends” but all my friends are married and have kids or in other words–will use me when the time is right to consume 2 pints of beer after work before breaking for the train at 8 in order to get home to their wife and not fuck up their utopia. Me on the other hand, has the taste of ‘single life beer’ in my mouth and have to walk home and get a bottle of wine from the bottle shop to make my night even half worth it before getting into bed and being cut off even further from middle England… God I hate the word middle.  I’d rather be the worst than the guy who is nothing.

Chris Rock is my master now. I watched his show and he concluded:

 “MARRIED AND BORED OR SINGLE AND LONELY”

Readers of Oh Ngo Dot Com please decide what you would rather?

These are things I hate to hear…

I ask a mate if he wants to come to the game and he says, ‘no I have to go home and see the Mrs.’

One day I will be in a relationship but I will never feel obliged to see the mrs.. what the fuck am I gonna do? Sit and look at her like a fucking jail bird maybe pick up the phone on the other side of the glass and hold my hand up so she touches it?   No…I’m gonna poke my dick under the bank tellers plastic slide machine so she can grab it with her hand and give it a tug but only on a Monday.  

My married mates say they haven’t fucked in weeks. They don’t drink, they don’t fuck, they don’t go out they do nothing but:

DIY CLEAN AND HAVE SHITTY KIDS ON BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY. 

Yes, Bank Holiday fucking Monday as a recovering alcoholic sent me back to the genie that comes out when I pop the cap. 

Hello Genie… where shall we go now???

What’s that Genie?? Bit closer?

What did you say?

THE PUB.

So it was time to swap the cold of London City for the beautiful, sunny, spring days of Texas…

Reported on the www dot as blue skies in the morning, hot sun in the afternoon and cold enough at night to sleep warmed by a blanket and avoid waking up sans cover with your fella hanging out your boxers with a speech bubble saying, “CHEESE!”

Or am I paranoid?

So what happens?  Us English, take our summer clothes, shorts and t-shirts, sombrero and speedos, whilst Texas enjoys the coldest fucking day in the history of the modern world post Ice Age, post Ice Ice Baby– it was TOO COLD…

What the Fuck happened?

Far from me to moan about your wonderful country as my ring tone remains “The Star Spangled Banner”.  Please be advised if your sex life is not as it used to be, lay your woman out on the nearest rug, turn on the nearest fire and click on the STAR SPANGLY before standing proud above her nervous body and remember that God blessed America.  ‘Cause if anyone could sing “God Save the Queen” without following it up with a drunken punch up and a pint of lager maybe our country would be as glorious as yours.

But on this occasion we cursed – God Bless my Jacket and Jeans cause they went missing in Texas.

So I didn’t put pen to paper to report on the weather nor your national anthem but to say, English in Texas was to go for the second year to the music festival South by Southwest, in Austin, TX.

Quick mental note.  BEST HOLIDAY EVER.  

So here’s a general recipe:

• Wake up at 8
• Go to Coffee shop and drink coffee when no one else is around due to being fucked up cause they are Rock and Roll Stars
• Go to breakfast bar and wait for English in Texas to arrive at pebbles to eleven
• Watch gigs and new awesome music from unknown, upcoming, simply excellent bands throwing in free beers and bbqs for the boys, but not for me.
• Go to bar at 4pm and booze until night falls.
• Go home drink water and sleep
• REPEAT

I’ll explain.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

Hello.  I’m English Pat and I’m an Alcoholic, BUT… Did you hear me group members? That’s right.  I’m an alcoholic with a beer in my right hand because I chose a new angle and–respect where respects due to you, comrades in the circle for also admitting to humans foe… But there are other ways.

I fought for 3 years to learn to deal with it and introduce Regulations to my piss ups. 

I’ll set an example.

Day 1 – All day session thanks to sunshine, free beer, great music and the simple fact I didn’t have to click Ctrl-Alt-Delete within half an hour of opening my eyes.

Result. Argument about nothing with friend plus following hour of no arguing with friend before catching bus home and getting double angry cause I got lost in one of your jumbo sized super markets only to surface with a roast beef sandwich and packet of crisps (chips).

Conclusion. Must enjoy beer and not abuse beer.

Decision.

No booze before 4pm, only music and bands cause they really were awesome.

Beer after 4pm, because beer really is awesome and home, before everything else–becomes 1 over Awesome.

Fact – Holiday was the Dogs Bollocks.  

No hangovers, no petty bullshit, arrived home feeling like I had indeed had a holiday, when in fact, I had been a rock and roll FUCKING STAR in Austin, Texas in the greatest country in the world.

SXSW uncovered the following bands – Geographer – Athlete – Nneka (Delphic)– Band of Skulls– Tobacco  – Dirty Wormz and a whole host of others but trust me, Readers of OH-NGO you can’t ask for a finer week than waking up, meeting your mates, choosing to booze or not–before ending up boozing, to watch more music, eat hot dogs and hamburgers and pizzas and the women are of course, excellent.

BUT don’t be fooled by good looks my friends because personality goes a long way and there’s an old saying that next to every Hot Chick there’s a boyfriend that waits for the front door to shut before he whips his laptop out and starts Roughing The Quarter Back over his latest downloads.

The icing on the cake…. I MET OH NGO..