After a significant period of self-reflection, I am able to narrow down my ‘coming of age’ to one of my jobs in a tiny little office where I was trapped at length with a girl who might have stolen a large portion of my soul…with her passive-aggressive micro-managing ways, (with ‘age’ being the time where I realized that I just don’t give a shit).
Now, I’m no slouch by any means. And while I might appear to be a “hard worker,” I really just want to get whatever I need to do…Done. So, if I have something I must do: I find the fastest way to do it. This way, I can get back to doing what it is that I want to do. And what I want to do, is dick around, email my friends; read shit about the world, art, politics, Angelina’s tit size–pretty much anything short of looking at the People of Wal-Mart or working. It’s my way of tricking myself into thinking that there might be something else out there; that is bigger and better than making spreadsheets all fucking day.
More importantly, what I don’t want to do is to be bothered with your arbitrary computations, or conversations.
In fact, the very sound of this girl’s calculator…used to piss me off.
Internal Monologue:
What exactly are you checking over there Ms. Calculator? Would that be Excel?
As in: MICROSOFT EXCEL?!?
Hey! Captain Fucking Stupid: You sit there switching screens because you don’t understand that you can re-size them and keep them up at the same time; and you purposefully refuse to sort ANYTHING by symbol; you definitely do not use technology to your advantage, thereby creating more work for yourself, and YOU want to come at ME for wasting time?
I might look at the Drudge Report, or the Wall Street Journal, the Houston Chronicle, Esquire, the Sartorialist, the weather, the local news, Engrish, “Overheard in Manhattan”, textsfromlastnight; passiveaggressivenotes.com–and all of my friend’s horoscopes…but seriously: What is worse?
Me: doing my job, better and faster than you, whilst keeping abreast of current events & relatively prevalent news…and actively engaging in 3-7 IM conversations?
or,
You: passing off idiocy as efficiency and remedial as fucking THOROUGH?
I have seriously never seen anyone waste as much time as she does by switching from screen to screen…to screen to screen…then calculator to calculator…to check NOTHING! How bout: Get with the times; accept that an Intel® Core processor out-ranks your 10-key redundancy of checking your own ‘user-error-susceptible computation of the gross vs. ‘whateverthefuckyoumighthavetypedthefirstplace’ and SHUT THE FUCK UP?
Do you really think that your loud-ASS, 10-key calculator is more reliable that EXCEL? I mean, let’s be honest:
Excel is awesome AND smarter than you.
p.s. The multiplicative inverse = x(1 ÷ -1). You know how I know that?
8th grade, DIP SHIT. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=multiplicative+inverse
What’s more, is that I am too lazy to re-type the sell orders that come over with minus signs, so I Googled it.
xoxo – kris “ray of sunshine” ngo…
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